Does It Really Take A Village? By Lady Seren
Does It Really Take A Village?
Lady Seren
Copyright 2008
http://www.paganspace.net/profile/LadySeren
I have been contemplating this idea of child rearing over the last few days. Does it really take a village to raise a child? Through my own experiences and struggles, I have found there are benefits to raising children with "village mentality" as well as definite drawbacks. I have always felt the more people that children have to love them, the better adjusted they are. Is this concept of a village raising a child really accurate and is it really healthy? Can this idea become distorted and used by unhealthy people to meddle in the affairs of a family unit causing damage and unrest? How do parents and caregivers navigate these sometimes treacherous waters?
There are definite perks to having an extended village family. Mother's do not have to be Wonder Woman and fathers do not have to be the Lone Ranger trying to navigate their way through the hectic and busy lifestyles many face. Having an extended network can allow parents to meet their children’s needs more effectively.
An extended village family also allows children a wide variety of people to learn to communicate with. It also takes the pressure of the parents by allowing there to be caring adults to whom the children can go to when they have a need. Some of these needs may be embarrassing for the child to address with mom or dad. As long as the parents discuss their wishes with chosen extended family, then it can be a healthy outlet for the family unit.
Another perk is that the children may then become a blessing to those whose children are grown, or for those who are unable to have children. This is an important aspect of nurturing within a community that is often times over looked and forgotten. We disregard the fact that children come into this world with lessons to learn and gifts to give. This is one area a childhood that should be nurtured and encouraged, especially sense society seems to be very self-oriented and many go into adulthood without necessary skills to have healthy and giving relationships.
Having discussed some of the pros, there are equally as many drawbacks to this type of family village. Sometimes parents are faced with family or close relatives that are not healthy. These individuals may have very poor boundaries themselves and encourage behavior that is unacceptable to parents and present challenges that threaten the main family unit. Often times these “well meaning” members of the family village use the idea and concept of village partnerships to exploit their own need for power.
Members outside the core family unit can use the family village as an excuse to fulfill their own dreams and ideals. If this fits in with the core families ideas and values it can be a benefit, but if it does not it can drain the life-source of a family and steer them into treacherous waters. It is important for the main family unit to remain in communication with each other as issues arise, and not allow things to fester. Nothing is more damaging to a family than to ignore major issues and pretend the proverbial elephant in not in the middle of the room.
It can be very frustrating for parents to have to continually set new boundaries with unhealthy extended members of the group. Sometimes they are encouraged to feel guilty for limiting contact and reasserting their place as the primary caregivers. Oftentimes it is difficult for parents to pinpoint why certain behaviors presented are frustrating or not acceptable, and it is important for primary caregivers of children to have a grasp themselves of healthy boundary concepts.
Some warning signs that the village is unhealthy are things such as triangling. For example, when a parent and child or even two spouses have a disagreement and a third party steps in and offers advice or uninvited “help.” This behavior creates an atmosphere of distrust and unhealthy boundaries. It is really important to not create a gang up on mentality within the group. Individuals must learn to sort out their differences without interference from outside parties. It is important to remember that advice or council can become distorted within a family village. This must be carefully considered and addressed.
Another warning sign is “He said- She said.” Many times stories begin to circulate within the family village regarding behaviors or actions. Often times these are parenting styles, decisions, or behaviors of the children deemed “not ok” by the offending “He said or she said” and “gossip” begins to circulate, which again undermines the family unit and causes stress and division.
It is important that the main family unit make the decisions in regards to what works best for them. I encourage all families to have a family plan with established goals and ideals for the present and future, as well as a written family creed or mission statement.
Each and every family unit must decide for themselves which type of family works best for them. Bottom line is that it should be a decision of the parent/s or primary caregivers, when possible, and they should maintain a united front and clear boundaries with extended family or friends. The extended family should work as a support system. This will eliminate confusion for the children as well as teach them healthy boundaries.
Building a successful family takes a lot of work, education and love. An extended village family can be a loving addition or a drain on a family’s valuable resources. As with many Pagan ideas, to each his or her own!
If you would like to view the article as it appeared in the magazine please see the PDF attachment below.
Lady Seren
Copyright 2008
http://www.paganspace.net/profile/LadySeren
I have been contemplating this idea of child rearing over the last few days. Does it really take a village to raise a child? Through my own experiences and struggles, I have found there are benefits to raising children with "village mentality" as well as definite drawbacks. I have always felt the more people that children have to love them, the better adjusted they are. Is this concept of a village raising a child really accurate and is it really healthy? Can this idea become distorted and used by unhealthy people to meddle in the affairs of a family unit causing damage and unrest? How do parents and caregivers navigate these sometimes treacherous waters?
There are definite perks to having an extended village family. Mother's do not have to be Wonder Woman and fathers do not have to be the Lone Ranger trying to navigate their way through the hectic and busy lifestyles many face. Having an extended network can allow parents to meet their children’s needs more effectively.
An extended village family also allows children a wide variety of people to learn to communicate with. It also takes the pressure of the parents by allowing there to be caring adults to whom the children can go to when they have a need. Some of these needs may be embarrassing for the child to address with mom or dad. As long as the parents discuss their wishes with chosen extended family, then it can be a healthy outlet for the family unit.
Another perk is that the children may then become a blessing to those whose children are grown, or for those who are unable to have children. This is an important aspect of nurturing within a community that is often times over looked and forgotten. We disregard the fact that children come into this world with lessons to learn and gifts to give. This is one area a childhood that should be nurtured and encouraged, especially sense society seems to be very self-oriented and many go into adulthood without necessary skills to have healthy and giving relationships.
Having discussed some of the pros, there are equally as many drawbacks to this type of family village. Sometimes parents are faced with family or close relatives that are not healthy. These individuals may have very poor boundaries themselves and encourage behavior that is unacceptable to parents and present challenges that threaten the main family unit. Often times these “well meaning” members of the family village use the idea and concept of village partnerships to exploit their own need for power.
Members outside the core family unit can use the family village as an excuse to fulfill their own dreams and ideals. If this fits in with the core families ideas and values it can be a benefit, but if it does not it can drain the life-source of a family and steer them into treacherous waters. It is important for the main family unit to remain in communication with each other as issues arise, and not allow things to fester. Nothing is more damaging to a family than to ignore major issues and pretend the proverbial elephant in not in the middle of the room.
It can be very frustrating for parents to have to continually set new boundaries with unhealthy extended members of the group. Sometimes they are encouraged to feel guilty for limiting contact and reasserting their place as the primary caregivers. Oftentimes it is difficult for parents to pinpoint why certain behaviors presented are frustrating or not acceptable, and it is important for primary caregivers of children to have a grasp themselves of healthy boundary concepts.
Some warning signs that the village is unhealthy are things such as triangling. For example, when a parent and child or even two spouses have a disagreement and a third party steps in and offers advice or uninvited “help.” This behavior creates an atmosphere of distrust and unhealthy boundaries. It is really important to not create a gang up on mentality within the group. Individuals must learn to sort out their differences without interference from outside parties. It is important to remember that advice or council can become distorted within a family village. This must be carefully considered and addressed.
Another warning sign is “He said- She said.” Many times stories begin to circulate within the family village regarding behaviors or actions. Often times these are parenting styles, decisions, or behaviors of the children deemed “not ok” by the offending “He said or she said” and “gossip” begins to circulate, which again undermines the family unit and causes stress and division.
It is important that the main family unit make the decisions in regards to what works best for them. I encourage all families to have a family plan with established goals and ideals for the present and future, as well as a written family creed or mission statement.
Each and every family unit must decide for themselves which type of family works best for them. Bottom line is that it should be a decision of the parent/s or primary caregivers, when possible, and they should maintain a united front and clear boundaries with extended family or friends. The extended family should work as a support system. This will eliminate confusion for the children as well as teach them healthy boundaries.
Building a successful family takes a lot of work, education and love. An extended village family can be a loving addition or a drain on a family’s valuable resources. As with many Pagan ideas, to each his or her own!
If you would like to view the article as it appeared in the magazine please see the PDF attachment below.
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does-it-take-a-village.pdf, 533 KB
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